101 Things You Never Want To Hear Your DM Say...

Compiled & edited by Joel Hahn

Written by: Anthony Law, Dusk, Cold, Augustus Caesar, Jessen Yip, Art Wendorf, Varsil, Granwel Wands, Tuatha de Danaan, Kevin Chan, M.J. Lush, der Joachim, Sasha Petef, pblock, Cold Fire, R. Scott Roberts, DMGorgon, Khammao Chang, Vicki Hembrow, PJS, Mittierim, Andrew Tellez, Smurflord, Jason Lotito, Barry Smith, Jay Haffner, Parsley(R), Rook, Tach Deneva, Bryan J. Maloney, Dave Harper, Denakhan the Arch-Mage, A'koss, mrneko, Barry B. Wood, planemaster, Donald Bachman, Ian R. Malcomson, Weston D. Griffiths, The Chanteuse, Perry Holley, Robert Baldwin, Barbara Johnson-Haddad, Peter Seebach, Perigryne, Dave Brohman, Nick Reed. JoMaC2K, Dale Moore, tussock

1) "You actually put on the ring?!"

2) "Okaaaaaaaay..."

3) "Oh no..."

4) "This is going to hurt."

5) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Man, it sucks to be you!"

6) "I modified this creature a little..."

7) "You can bring any character you want... it probably won't come 
out alive."

8) "He gets up again and starts advancing on the party.  He looks

9) "20 more Thri-Kreen come around the dune."

10) "Evidently that wasn't the [lich's] phylactery."

11) "Oh...don't mind these rolls...all just unimportant..."

12) "Plot twist time..."

13) "The ring won't come off."

14) "You feel compelled to <insert verb here>."

15) "Ooooo, well. <pause> How many hit points did you say you had left?"

16) "Complete silence while he stares blankly at me."

17)  "No, you REALLY like that ring.  In fact, you think you'd MUCH
rather keep it on..."

18)  (DM rolls dice for about 30 seconds, during which we assume he's
just idly rolling D6's).  "Saving throws everyone!"

19)  "You do what?!!  Okay, everyone have 4d6 handy?"

20) "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1..."

21) "Okay, as you come into the clearing you see a bunch of monks running
around, while castrated men scream, chained to an altar. Now...I can't
pronounce what they are saying...Nylarthio...Nlatotep....ah hell, make your
fear checks!"

22) "I need some more d6's."

23) "I really didn't expect you guys to do that. *sigh*"

24) "Did you not hear me when I said EMANATING EXTREME EVIL?!  That means

25) "Look I'm getting a bit drained GMing so I want to take a break. But
don't worry I've got Irwin the Trainspotter in to fill in for me. Bye...."

26) "You don't mind if my nongamer, _very_ affectionate significant other
sits in on the game?"

27) "Hey, another crit!"

28) "Eek! Ran out of coffee."

29) "I never wanted to be a DM, I wanted to be a lumberjack!"

30) "...and then you notice her eyes are glowing."

31) "How many hit points did you say you had left?"

32) "Thought I'd bring my 9 year old son to the game. I want him to learn
to play."

33) "My 9 year old son wrote this adventure...  He'll be right out to DM it..."

34) "Whose miniature is that on the far right?  Ewwww, sorry."

35) "No, you saved--that *is* half."

36) "Save."

37) "Can I borrow all your dice?"

38) "Can I borrow EVERYONE'S dice?"

39) [When the DM starts answering questions directed at you.]

40) "Explain to me **EXACTLY** what you are doing."


42) "My favourite monster? Well, any level draining undead, really..."

43) "Oops."

44) "Read this note.  Don't tell anyone else what happened."

45) "What level were you?"

46) "You aren't, by any chance, immune to...?"

47) "Take a few minutes to check your character sheet.  See if you can
squeeze out another save bonus."

48) "Don't worry about the damage.  Just lie still for a while.  We'll see
how things go."

49) "You are under a magical compulsion.  Direct your most effective
attack against <insert PC>."

50) "Roll 4d6 six times and drop the lowest die each time."

51) "I need to speak with you...alone."

52) "Give me your character sheet."

53) "Check your perception please. You failed? I guess you don't 
sense this coming..."

54) "You will advance at the rate of one x.p. per game."

55) "I hope y'all didn't create big backgrounds, because we're playing
Tomb of Horrors!"

56) "Damn. That was my last cigarette."

57) "Hang on, I gotta look this one up!!"

58) (After you make a request that'll put unimaginable power into the hands
of your character) "Okay."

59) "Tell me *EXACTLY* where you are standing when you do this."

60) "Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

61) "Now is it pronounced Wyrm, Worm, or Vorm?"

62) "SIGH. . ."

63) "You don't find any traps."

64) "You don't find the trap."

65) "You don't seem to find anything."

66) "Heheheh....cool." 

67) "*cough*....OOOOOkay."

68) "What WAS your Con?"

69) "Take X damage. Permanently."

70) "You do that? I'll get back to you."

71) "Uhm...Tim...how about going out for a soda run?"

72) "Now that's gonna hurt!"

73) "Oops, I forgot he had that." <wicked smirk> "Now who was the first one
to insult him?"

74) "What's your standing with your god right now?"

75) "Did your character have a will that wasn't on his body?"

76) "You told the priest who your next of kin was, right?"

77) "I didn't know those things hit so hard..."

78) "You didn't like that character, did you?"

79) "Kevin, you hear <<BAM!>>. Everyone else, you hear <<BAM!>> <<BAM!>>
<<BAM!>> <<BAM!>> <<BAM!>>"

80) (In a sarcastic tone) "Saving throw?"

81) "Sorry."

82) "Hey-- Neat." <evil cackle>

83) "Now that's just swell."

84) "Are you _sure_ you don't want to attack him?  You don't _seem_ to be
grasping the 'easy' solution..."

85) [Any of the assorted evil laughs that come up regularly.]

86) [While rolling up a crit] <laughs> "I'd like to _see_ that.  It'd just be
funny to actually see..." 

87) "You know, this game is supposed to have a high turnover rate.  I've been
too nice to you guys lately."

88) During any conversation out of game: "Now _there's_ an idea.  I'm going
to have to do that to you guys..."

89) "Oh dear.  I'm going to need more dice for this."

90) "OK, guys, I'm not gonna sit here rolling all these dice.  I'll just
use the average damage.  And I'll just assume you save."

91) "Come with me and bring your dice."

92) "..and a pencil with an eraser..."

93) "Hmm... I have a good session planned. I'm pretty sure the survivors will
go up a level..."

94) "I forgot and left all my stuff home, so I'll wing it."

95) "You think you saw a shadow moving around the corner."

96) "You think you heard some indistinct noise from your side."

97) "You feel a sudden chill."

98) "Click."

99) "It smells kinda funny in here.  Roll a d20 please.."

100) "As far as you can tell, the room appears to be empty."

101) "Don't get too comfortable, this won't last long."

102) "...So then Odin says 'Oh YEAH?!? Well take THIS...'"

103) "Hey Bob, remember that $20 I lent you that you never paid back?  Well,
consider THIS payback!"

104) "Then your new, jet-black sword says..."

105) "Then the demon says..."

106) "What is your save vs. death? Oh, wait a minute, it doesn't matter

107) "You realize that the sun seems to be getting a lot bigger..."

108)  (rolls dice, laughs) "Wow! How unlucky can you guys get...?"

109) "Oh god! Please tell me someone can beat my initiative 2."

110) "But I'm Sure I gave out the XP Last week!"

111) "You know, I've never managed to run this dungeon All the way through..."

112) "Sorry guys - I forgot my notes this week. So, err, if I remember correctly,
you were all in a big, errr, you know, big room, with, like, some corridors
coming off it and stuff. Right?"

113) "Right, it's the middle of the night and you're all asleep..."

114) "Where were you keeping that vial?"

115) "Nothing happens."

116) "The minotaur is clearly dead, everyone in the room knows that obviously the
minotaur is dead. Everyone is absolutely sure the minotaur is dead... except
the minotaur."

117) "Do you guys really want to play out the gruesome details, or do you
want the short narrative version?"

118) "...Ok, left the corridor goes for 30' then turns. To the right it goes
for 120' and then just ends. Nothing special about the hallway at all."

119) "Hand me that calculator."

120) "Oh crap... That's the last of you, isn't it?"